How I Got Unbelievably, Undeniably Hotter

During the summer of 2024, i was pretty unhappy with my life and i began to set all of these arbitrary rules for myself. Like the fact that I would run every morning and only listen to music that made me feel hot after a long stretch of depression rock and roll, and probably most importantly, that I wouldn't complain anymore. About anything.

Whether you want to call it manifestation or what Proverbs says about protecting your thoughts or quantum leaping, my life changed really quickly and dissolved into what I internally refer to as the "sexiest summer of my life."

We'll get there, but first

The Before

I was not always hot. Growing up, I was quite silent and very nerdy. Inhabiting a lot of PWIs made me feel like the other, even though my parents created a really beautiful space at home and tried to show me representation in ballet and other areas. Pageants became this princess fairytale land where i could be cute and beautiful, but they were devoid of the male gaze, which was a different beast.

At twelve, I remember spending a summer at church camp where no one talked to me. I literally had no friends and would look at myself in the mirror, trying to convince myself that I was beautiful too, even though I wasn't that blonde-fried-straight-hair flavor of pretty that 2010s midwest crowned as the ideal.

I found aspirational beauty in ballet, in certain blogs, but never in myself. Boys never liked me, and I never assumed that they would, which I think made me a little boy crazy in a delayed way, but more importantly, it made me extremely ambitious.

I was "the smart one," and I was ok with that. I focused on school and got into my dream college and won Miss Kansas Teen USA in the same year.

The Framework that Clicked

I love the "How to be Hotter" course, because it includes things about life that I've known without being able to name for a very long time. The year my life changed really dramatically as a teenager, I was wildly present. Onstage. At appearances. At Miss Teen USA. And after.

When I was crowned a teenage beauty queen, I think I finally felt pretty, validated by an institution if not my peers. I briefly dating a French guy who took me to homecoming and danced off-beat with me the entire night. It's a good memory, even if he did lie to my father about believing in Jesus, which to be fair is quite French of him.

Then I dated a sweet sweet rural boy who would drive hours to hang out and took me to prom. He was a klepto. I think he maybe stole one of my childhood pageant trophies, but I don't hold it against him and messaged him last year to tell him that I met a man in Nebraska who'd moved to his hometown and gushed that it was one of the kindest places in the world.

I became a flirt that year. I became more present. But I also didn't know how to breakup with people and would unfortunately be a ghoster until I was twenty-two and one of my coworkers taught me how to breakup with people (you live and you learn).

I ate two apples today, and I think I almost passed out on the train. I passed out for the first time last month at a sauna in Florida. Just slumped over on the bench. When I woke up, everyone was around me, looking down with concern. Theatrics! Someone handed a granola bar and I apologized profusely.

On the train today, I stopped reading Invitation to a Beheading, because Nabokov's swirly prose definitely didn't help, and tried to be present. To look at things, the ads, the pole in front of me, everybody's shoes and hands without being obtrusive. Because that's what presence is, just observing. Appreciating. Chewing on the stuff right in front of you with your senses and your mind.

The Practice

Lately I've been thinking about how you can't really mess up your own life. Or i don't think you can. You've just got to witness the people around you and try to be helpful and hit your cues. God is my favorite director and I'm just a method actor in the thing that I call my life.

And when I'm in a room with people, I look at them and in my head I go "I love you I love you I love you I love you" in my thoughts.

The After

During the sexiest summer of my life, I felt a bit like a fraud, but my pretending put me in insane (positive and negative) situations. I could not believe what my life was. I could not step outside without having a meet cute and everything felt like a movie.

That is why I'm so passionate about this sort of work because it works. I got extremely good at flirting, and I've lived multiple romcom level flings that will be in print soon enough, but eventually I had to retire from dating as a sport and a pastime to focus on building an online community and more importantly a movement of hot, sexy, smart people like yourself.

Presence really changed my life and helped me let myself exist as this flirty shifting aura instead of the scared little girl who tried to rationalize herself into a beautiful thing at church camp. Or even instead of a 24 year old who gave herself all these arbitrary rules trying to pretend her way into something new.

And it works. Almost all of my exes have reached back out. A couple have even gotten on planes.

But a really important lesson I learned along the way is that "hotness" isn't about how you look, or about winning the attention of other people, or even trying to have the sexiest summer of your life. Hotness, I think is having a level of presence and gratitude, and joy, and appreciation for all of the things in your life, the little moments, the big ones, so that it all comes in these big, beautiful waves, and so that you can float along with them and notice.

And I really believe that writing can help you train your attention to see.

This is my #hotliteratihomework for the How to be Hotter course.

I can't wait to read (or watch or listen to) yours <3

xx

hailo